Don’t Settle for Lonely: Build the 5 Relationships You Need

In my last article, I talked about why I used to hate the week after Christmas. I enjoy the gratitude of Thanksgiving and the joy and hope of the Christmas season. But the week after? Not so much. It’s because I feel a little lonely.

I’ve felt this way for years. I tried to avoid it. Then I was annoyed by it. I finally accepted that loneliness isn’t something you can talk yourself out of or hide from -- but there IS something you can do about it!

You don’t have to settle for being lonely.

I’ve learned a few things as I’ve tried to build the relationships I really need in my life over the past few years. I am very much still a work in progress because relationships are always changing -- but I know that loneliness isn’t what God wants for me. He’s ready to help me (and you) find the connections that lead me towards more life -- and away from loneliness.

As a quick note, before we get started, I’ve fleshed many of these ideas out in much greater detail in my new book, Blueprint for Belonging. If what you see here resonates and you want to start 2025 with hope for stronger relationships that truly satisfy your soul, I’d be honored if you let me walk you through a redesign for your relationships that mirrors the life of Jesus.

See the Holes

It all starts with acknowledgment. You can’t address loneliness if you can’t (or won’t!) see it. It took me years to realize that my post-Christmas struggles came from a hole in my relational world -- a hole that God wanted me to see so that I could ask him to help me fill it up. But if I refused to acknowledge it, then I couldn’t do anything about it.

In Blueprint for Belonging, I explore the way Jesus created five specific types of relationships. I use those observations to build the “blueprint” I saw taking place in his life. Once you have a blueprint you can begin to see the goal, the design, the ideal (which Jesus exemplified!). You can overlay his blueprint onto your own relationships and see where you have gaps and holes. The times or places or situations where you feel lonely are a big clue to where some of these holes are going to be!

Don’t avoid that process. Embrace it. As I say in the book’s introduction, “Loneliness is the built-in alarm that something isn’t relationally right in our lives.” It’s actually a help so we can move forward.

Think of it like physical pain - it is there to communicate that there’s a problem! Pain is often the only way we seek the healing we need. Pain is just a sign that something else is wrong. If you experience a moment, a wave, a day, or a whole season of loneliness, this is the place to begin asking some questions. Let yourself see and feel it - so healing can start.

Give it Time + Prayer

Relationships are never a quick fix. We are often living the fruit of many years of choices we made and connections we’ve had -- maybe even a few we’d do differently if we could. Seeing an ideal design on a blueprint doesn’t mean you can build it in a few months. But a blueprint helps you see what you’re moving towards.

I always go to God to figure out where to start. He’s the only one who can see ahead and the only one who knows what kind of relationships will truly satisfy your soul. He can also nudge you to take the first good step in that direction. So, prayer is essential! Relational holes require thoughtful choices and healing over time, so you’ve gotta pray!

If you’re struggling to hear God about a relationship or direction in your life, consider fasting as part of pursuing an answer. Jesus recommends this combo in Matthew 17 as a way to combat particularly difficult situations.

I just saw one of my old journals from 3-4 years ago, and I’m still praying the same prayer for one type of relationship in my life! It takes time. I wish I could snap my fingers and have the benefit now, but I do trust God is hearing my prayers and is at work even when I don’t see it. God is never doing nothing.

And you’re never alone. Talk to God in full honesty - with all your thoughts, desires, and emotions. I wrote about how to honestly pray through your emotions in the past. Acknowledge how you feel, and then go to the scripture to find the truth. Part of the truth in scripture is that you were designed with a need for deep connection and belonging by a God who wants to help you get it.

As you pray, ask God to help you see just one step ahead in the right direction. Where are you feeling lonely? With close familial relationships? With friendships? With community? These point you in the direction of how to pray with purpose.

Be Ready for a Risk

After praying about friendship a lot this year, my family (me, my husband, and my kids) decided to throw a family party the day after Christmas - right at the time we experience a bit of loneliness. I don’t throw a lot of parties, but I trust God enough to try! When this idea came to us, it felt like something that might move us closer to the blueprint of Jesus’ relationships. That’s always worth the risk to do something that makes you uncomfortable!

It can be tough to break out of your comfort zone with people. Maybe you aren’t usually “the initiator,” but you sense God wants you to invite someone out to dinner or a coffee. Maybe you don’t do “groups,” but you can’t shake the idea of joining a book group. Maybe you work out alone, but you could change your schedule and meet up with someone else. All these little things require relational risk.

Get ready to take a risk if you want deeper relationships. The design of your blueprint will not change without it! (And faith won’t grow without it either! I wrote about that in my first book, How to Stay Standing!).

It can help to look at each area of your relational life separately and ask God if/how you could make a small change that might have a big impact. In Blueprint for Belonging, I talk about exploring the five different types of relationships in reflection and prayer. You’ve got to start with true honesty about where you are today and begin to trust that God has more for you.

He can guide you into a conscious relational redesign for your life.

Build a New Blueprint for Belonging

This kind of spiritual, contemplative approach to relationships has transformed how I view loneliness. Rather than suffering through it or trying to avoid it, use it as a springboard to bring more life to your soul.

If you want to learn more, get the book. Those five middle chapters are a gold mine for a positive, constructive relational audit. They can help you compare and contrast how you manage your own human connections with how Jesus did so.

The takeaways can lead to one of the greatest relational renovations in your life.

If you want to hear more from me, sign up for my email newsletter.

Don’t Settle for Lonely: Build the 5 Relationships You Need

See the Holes

Give it Time + Prayer

Be Ready for a Risk

Build a New Blueprint for Belonging

More Articles